Capítulo 18: Modelo epistolar

Dear future me:

Assuming you will ever read this, it might seem lame to you. The fact that I thought this day was so special I have to right to myself, that is. Nevertheless, if the end of a time decade was good enough to do so, why wouldn’t the end of the Harry Potter decade be just as good. After all, it was this saga, this story of magic, and good and wrong, and loyalty, and friendship, and the existence of the fantastic among the daily that grew up with me. How many dreams, joys, friends and games did this one simple book saga give me, anyway? Had I (had you) been the same if it wasn’t for Harry Potter?
It all ends today, though, friend. Today it is finally over. I wasn’t all that affected by the end this morning, but now I am. I don’t like it when things finish, but they all have to. Why? I don’t know and I will never understand.
Right now, I’m not even sure why I am writing. The truth is I’m probably sad by many other things, but I use this as an excuse to direct my sadness towards something palpable.
Why am I sad, then? I don’t know either. Maybe I am a sad person. It could be, but I know I have been happy so it seems unlikely. What I think is that I am sad because I am uncertain. I am uncertain of what I want and how I can get it. I am afraid of waking up one morning being you and still sad. I don’t care if I end up alone, or poor, or hated, but it terrifies me to think I’ll end up sad, without having a past to be proud of, without having memories of joy, of dream achievement. My worst fear is failing, but not failing society cause that is inevitable, in the end, society always wants more from you than you can give. My fear is of failing myself. I would be mortified if my last thought, right before I enter nonexistence, is one of regret.
As of now, I have already lost 19 years (almost) and haven’t done much for myself and my joy. I don’t want to lose another minute, yet I have no idea how not to do so. I know I need to change, but I am also afraid of that, so what can I do?.
“I have doubt” said a nun in a play. I know what she meant. Since I have no idea of what else I can do right now, I’m going to go. I’m going to walk inside a theater in a couple hours and watch how part of my childhood dies and relives thanks to the Deathly Hallows. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get my belated letter to Hogwarts and won’t have to worry about that stuff anymore. Maybe not.
Love,

Luis